Are you an advocate for your own happiness?
Of course, you want to be happy and get what you want out of life. But when someone or something is in your way, do you stand up for yourself? Or do you bury your head in the sand to avoid the conflict?
I’ve always prided myself on being a nice person. I don’t like to stir the pot or make others uncomfortable. But there’s a difference between making others happy and making them happy at your own expense.
Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean you need to be aggressive or mean. But it does mean voicing your needs and wants. It means never getting walked over again.
The change from head-in-the-sand to confident and empowered won’t happen overnight. But making some small changes can start completely changing your self-esteem, confidence, and communication skills. Are you ready to start learning how to stand up for yourself in any situation? Then read on!
Why Are You Afraid of Confrontation?
My first step to tackling any problem is tracing it back to the root. How can you deal with your issues without recognizing the patterns and behaviours that created them in the first place? I love working through my thoughts with my journal – it’s a great way to start documenting your feelings and learn more about what’s causing them. You can click here to join my 21-day journaling challenge!
There are a million reasons why you might be afraid of confrontation, and those reasons are different for all of us. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:
1. You’re a people pleaser
As a people pleaser, you’ve grown so used to putting others’ needs first. This means you’re an altruistic, giving person – but it also means you can feel burnt out and abused. You can still make other people happy, but you need to remember who the most important person in your life is – you.
2. You have low self-esteem
If your self-esteem is low, you might not think that you deserve happiness. Your low self worth will mean that you never fight to get what you deserve. But does that mean you deserve happiness any less? Of course not! If this applies to you, it’s time for some serious soul searching so you can start improving your self-worth and learning the art of confrontation.
3. You’ve had negative experiences with confrontation
Have you ever tried to stand up for yourself to devastating results? Maybe you had a partner who berated you for speaking your mind, or a boss or teacher who disciplined you for standing up to them. These experiences can make confrontation even harder in the future.
4. You grew up with poor examples of conflict resolution
Every relationship has conflict. But if you grew up with parents, siblings, or friends whose discussions always ended in shouting matches, you might have a skewed vision of what standing up for yourself really means. Deep down, you’re probably afraid that all of your confrontations will end the same way.
What Happens if You Don’t Learn to Stand Up for Yourself?
Often, we think that hiding our true feelings will improve our relationships. Rather than speak up about the things that bother us, we would rather smooth things over on the surface and hide all of our anger, discomfort, and pain.
In the short term, you might think this behaviour leads to less conflict. But in the long term? You could be destroying your relationships from the inside.
Honesty is one of the most important parts of any relationship. If you’re letting yourself be silenced by fear, are you really being honest with your partner, friends or family? What about yourself? When you silence your needs, it can eventually lead to resentment and even more conflict in the relationships that are so special to you.
What about at work or school? Being too afraid to speak up for yourself could lead to poor treatment from colleagues, or even being passed up for promotions or other opportunities. Don’t you deserve better?
5 Simple Tricks to Start Advocating For Yourself
1. Respect your own unique needs and boundaries
Sometimes we convince ourselves that what we want isn’t valid. Just because your feelings don’t mirror someone else’s doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to be respected. Understanding your own needs will make it easier to speak up for them when they aren’t being met.
2. Weigh the pros and cons of confrontation
Sometimes it’s okay to let things slide. But when letting something go will hurt you more than the risk of confrontation, you know it’s time to speak up. Start analyzing the possible outcomes of speaking up for yourself – you might be surprised at how often your silence is hurting you more than it’s helping you.
3. Learn to say “no”
People pleasers are notorious for agreeing to everything, and it can leave you feeling exhausted and frustrated. Saying no to situations that don’t serve you can be a great way to start respecting yourself more. “No” helps you prioritize yourself and frees up your energy and time for the things that matter most to you.
4. Give yourself the same respect you show to everyone else
You would never want your friends, family, or coworkers to suppress their needs to keep you happy. So why do you expect yourself to be everyone else’s doormat? Practice thinking of yourself as a friend or family member that you want to make happy. What would you do to make sure that they get what they need?
5. Learn the difference between assertion and aggression
Kind people are particularly prone to fear confrontation. However, you don’t need to change your gentle nature to take care of your needs. Communicating with confidence doesn’t have to be aggressive or mean! “I” statements rather than accusations, and a focus on mutual problem solving can help you confront others with kindness.
Are you on a path of learning how to stand up for yourself? Share your story in the comments below!
This is such an Important post! A lot of people tend to walk all over those who shy away from confrontation, so these are great tips! X
This was amazing to read, definitely something everyone who has struggled with this before should read through.
Thank you!
Thank you This was definitely something I needed
loved this post, J! I really needed it today, thank you for being you💛
Great read! Agree you can stick up for yourself in a nice and respectful manner and still get the results you desire. While some think aggressiveness is required for confrontation it will never win in the end. Respect and kindness (to yourself and others) go so much further! Love your journey of self improvement!
Wow! The second I saw this post, I knew I had to click on it. I HATE confrontation. I think I would rather melt into the floor than be involved in a confrontational situation (or witness one between two friends). I think I fit all four categories above for the types of situations that lead to those who hate confrontation. I love the tips you give here, especially realizing the difference between assertion and aggression. Asking for consideration is not rude. I’m not an aggressive person, so I need to trust that advocating for myself would never come off that way. I’m still working on it. Great post!
These are great tips. I’m definitely a people pleaser who tries to avoid confrontation at all costs. Thanks for sharing this.
Great blog post!
When I was younger I hated conflict and would avoid it at any cost. I had to learn the hard way to say no and stand up for myself. I lost a friend on that account but because she treated me horribly I can’t say that I regret it. The odd thing is that I’m also grateful to have had that experience fairly early in life so that I, in my adult years, have been able to stand up fr myself which have lead to better mental health. When life gives you lemons, right.
This is a great post for anyone who struggles with standing up for themselves! I wish I had found my voice when I was younger. It would’ve been helpful for these to have been reinforced when I was a kid for sure.
Thank you for sharing this information. This topic is so important.
Fantastic! I think there is a major lack of confidence in the world today, and there are so many people who are afraid of confrontation (me included). Your post gives amazing advice that should be shared and read by all. Well done for a great article.
Thank you so much, Barbara! I think everyone struggles with it to some degree, so you’re definitely not alone. I’m so glad you enjoyed it!
I’ve ALWAYS had problems with confrontation. This is so helpful. Thank you so much!! ❤️
The first step is acknowledging that problem 🙂 thank you so much for reading, Lalla! So happy you enjoyed it.
This is a really useful read. I struggle with confrontation for a few reasons, and it really helped to see some of the causes for struggling with it laid out. I already feel like I have more tools to deal with my problems going forward. Thank you.
Thank you so much for reading, Alle! I’m so glad you found it helpful 🙂
This is great advice! Honestly, so many people avoid confrontation at all costs, even if it means allowing other people to take advantage of them. While I can totally get behind avoiding unnecessary drama, we need to be able to stand up for ourselves in this world!
Thanks so much for reading, Britt! It’s so important to learn the difference between unnecessary drama and very necessary standing up for yourself. So happy you enjoyed my post!
This is a very important topic and so true. I eventually learned to stand up for myself after growing up with those poor examples of conflict resolution that you mentioned only to have negative experiences with confrontation. That did not stop me from standing up for myself but it has made life so very stressful because I think the problem is with the bully who thinks that I (or others they bully) do not have the right to stand up for myself and often take asserting myself as aggression (because in their mind, I have no right to speak up for myself at all, no matter how I say it). I think this has been racially motivated at times (I am black) and motivated by sexism at other times (I am a woman). I wish I had your article to read when I was much younger because not teaching others how you want to be treated has a crippling effect on you that should be gotten rid of as soon as possible, especially if you already grew up in this type of environment.
I feel like women, especially women of color, are more likely to be afraid of confrontation, probably because of the treatment they’ve received from others. I’m so happy that you’ve been able to overcome this and learned how to stand up for yourself, Robyn! Thank you so much for sharing your perspective!
This was such an amazing read, Julianne <3 I definitely fall under a category of recovering people pleaser but I've been learning to stand up for myself lately!
Thanks, Karen! Recovering is the keyword. So proud of you for learning to put yourself first 🙂
Good one. Confrontation helps save relationships at times, when used in the right context
I completely agree, Anitha. Speaking up and talking about your problems is tough, but so important! Thank you for reading!
Hi – I love this topic. I was a people pleaser for many years but never knew it until later. Mine was from low self esteem.
Thanks for reading, Kathy. I’m so sorry you had to go through that but so glad you’re able to recognize that now! Best of luck on your journey.
Julianne, this is an important post with some good advice – like learning to say no and respecting your own boundaries. Not always easy at all to do, but essential for health and happiness. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Julie! You’re totally right. It is so important! So glad you enjoyed.
I am terrible with confrontation so these tips are amazing! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much, Amanda! It’s definitely a long journey to get there – good luck 🙂
Really good post! I think a lot of us can always do more to stand up for ourselves. Great tips to put into action!
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