Willpower is a Myth. Here’s How to Really Gain Control Over Temptation.

Today’s post was inspired by my friend Karen Chen and her incredible blog, Rosethorns and Honeydew. Our productivity collab post is dropping on Karen’s blog on Wednesday, so be sure to check it out for more tips!

Even if you don’t know a lot about psychology, you’ve probably heard about the Stanford Marshmallow Experiment. In the study, a child is offered two choices: one marshmallow now, or two marshmallows if they waited for 15 minutes. Kids knew the right choice – two marshmallows are way better than one! And as they try to wait for their second marshmallow, cuteness ensues. They try to distract themselves by talking or singing into the empty room. Thinking about that delicious single marshmallow makes some of them show frustration and anger. One particularly cute little girl pretended to fall asleep, complete with fake snoring, to take her mind off just how tempting that marshmallow was.

This idea has been recreated in dozens of studies, and even an adorable YouTube series where kids pick between a toy (immediate gratification) and a family trip (delayed gratification). It’s super cute, and hugely frustrating for the parents watching behind the scenes. But… What if there was a way to recreate this test for adults?

Temptation is Everywhere

The truth is, everyday is like a marshmallow experiment. Unlike kids, we don’t need to wait for a grownup to bring us a marshmallow. That marshmallow is everywhere. It’s one more episode of Netflix before bed. It’s a sweet treat after dinner when we promised ourselves that eating healthy starts today. The marshmallow is staying up late, sleeping in, fast food, shopping, alcohol, drugs, social media. There’s sweet, delicious, tempting marshmallows everywhere you look. How do we ever manage to resist temptation?

Most people think of self-control as some innate gift. Some people have it, and some people don’t. But let’s get something straight – there’s no child in the world that wouldn’t struggle with the marshmallow experiment. As we age, our brains mature, and our capacity for delaying gratification increases. But it’s not only that – we’re also learning techniques that help us to improve our willpower. The difference between 5AM-wakeup-people and 5AM-bedtime-people isn’t magic. It’s learned behaviour. And with the right skillset in your back pocket, you can train your brain to behave this way too.

“Good” vs. “Bad” Willpower

Let’s say you love pizza. You can’t get enough of it. Let’s also say that you’re trying to eat healthier, and pizza just isn’t fitting into your health goals right now. Someone who we consider to have “poor” self-control might stroll past their favourite pizza shop while on a walk. They see people leaving with those deliciously tempting square boxes. They smell the tantalizing blend of sauce, cheese, and spices. An employee waves at them through the glass. And before you know it, they’re walking home with a fresh pie.

What would the person with “good” self-control do? You could imagine them walking past that pizza place with their head held high, declining a slice because they have some superhuman willpower. In reality, that person probably planned their walk so that they wouldn’t pass by the pizza shop in the first place. Willpower has less to do with being tempted and not acting on temptation, and more to do with avoiding temptation in the first place. Those kids in the original marshmallow experiment had the right idea; by distracting themselves or even avoiding looking at the marshmallow, they were effectively reducing their temptation. If they were forced to hold, look at, and smell the marshmallow while they were waiting, what do you think would happen to the results of the study?

Don’t Let Failure Derail You

And what should we do when we succumb to temptation? Many people feel that giving into their desires is the failure. “I’ve had one slice, so I might as well eat the entire pizza”, or “I’ve watched one episode when I was supposed to be studying, I might as well give up and keep watching”. The secret? Succumbing to temptation isn’t a failure. It’s human. Even the most disciplined people in the world fall off the wagon sometimes! What actually defines us is how we move on from this. Enjoy that single slice, and then get back to healthy eating at your next meal. It’s as simple as that. Beating yourself up only serves to trap you in a vicious cycle of feeling bad – indulging more – feeling bad again. 

Limiting Beliefs

The human mind is full of limiting beliefs. We examine our past behaviour or what other people have told us and apply limiting labels to ourselves. Maybe you’ve been told you’re lazy. Maybe you’ve had a history of giving in to your temptations. You probably believe you have poor willpower. But maybe this belief is the very thing holding you back from learning the techniques that will allow you to tap into the self-control you’ve always dreamed of.

Willpower is a myth – but the strategies we can use to beat temptation are not. Exploring your own limiting beliefs about self-control can unlock “willpower” within you that you never even knew was possible! How have your beliefs about willpower shaped the way you view self-control? What are your favourite techniques for beating temptation? Share them in the comments below!

Interested in more self-development content? Check out more of my musings on life and self here.