Positivity is a good thing… Right?
I’ve always prided myself on being an optimist. That ability to see the glass as half full has gotten me through so much hardship in my life. Being able to stay positive in the face of life’s negativity can be an amazing tool to achieve happiness.
But… What about when those rose-tinted glasses become opaque? When you’re blinded by excessive optimism, you stop seeing the world as it really is. The constant pressure to be positive can be exhausting. Our society has an obsession with optimism that sometimes gets taken a little too far. And when that happens, positivity can turn toxic.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Psychologists define toxic positivity as the “excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations.” Toxic positivity means that you refuse to acknowledge or accept negativity.
As much as we wish that it wasn’t, negativity is a part of life. Especially right now, in the face of a global pandemic and social unrest all across the world, it’s normal to feel scared, stressed, or sad. I don’t think toxic positivity is purposefully toxic – often, it’s well-meaning people who believe in the real power of positivity. But denying yourself or others the right to experience and deal with these emotions can have huge negative consequences for yourself and your relationships.
What Does Toxic Positivity Look Like?
“Just think positive!”
Ignoring negative thoughts is like ignoring an elephant in your room – you can’t. It’s better to learn to recognize your negative thoughts so you can work through and learn from them.
“Good vibes only!”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who hates this phrase. Life is filled with bad vibes. And that’s okay. Those negatives only make the good parts of life better.
“Everything’s going to be okay!”
I have mixed feelings on this one. Like most toxic positivity, it comes from a good place. Maybe things will be okay, eventually. But saying this won’t change the fact that nothing feels okay in the moment.
What Are the Risks of Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity can lead to suppressed emotions.
Toxic positivity encourages us to be happy all the time. But the reality is, life is rarely like that. When you try to be excessively optimistic, it can create feelings of shame towards normal human emotions like sadness or anger. Getting stuck in the toxic positivity trap can lead to hiding and avoiding these normal (and sometimes necessary) parts of life.
It can interfere with real connections and empathy.
If your first response to a friend’s problems is to say “it’s all going to be okay” then are you really practicing empathy? When you’re only focused on positivity rather than acknowledging the pain of others, you become disconnected from true empathy.
It can be used as a method of control.
Negative emotions are important signals from our brain that something just isn’t sitting right with us. Toxic positivity becomes dangerous when manipulative individuals use it to control the emotions of others. By shaming people into ignoring their negative feelings, they can convince them to go against their instincts.
Related posts: An Introvert’s Guide to Socializing After Quarantine, How to Stand Up For Yourself When You’re Afraid of Confrontation, 7 Signs That You’re Not Confident in Your True Self
How to Break Free from Excessive Optimism
Acknowledge the important role that negative emotions play
People think that a fulfilling life means being happy all the time. But a truly enlightened life means knowing how to handle life’s ups and downs. Your negative emotions give you important clues about negative situations and what you want from life. By acknowledging how important these feelings are, it can be easier to deal with life’s negatives without dismissing them.
Remember that sometimes life just sucks.
We will all deal with sad, scary, and stressful situations in our life. Sometimes these situations have a silver lining, but sometimes they just suck. And that’s okay. Toxic positivity tells us that “everything happens for a reason” and we “just need to stay positive”. Realistic positivity means acknowledging that life can be painful and learning to deal with that pain rather than sweeping it under the rug.
Practice real empathy.
Empathy means the ability to understand and share the feelings of someone else. If you’re brushing off someone’s problems with toxic positivity, you’re not truly listening and empathizing with what they’re feeling. But when you’ve spent your whole life indoctrinated with toxic positivity, how are you supposed to break free?
I’ve made a chart with some of the most common toxic positivity responses and a more empathetic alternative. Make sure to pin it for later!
Have you fallen into the toxic positivity trap in the past? How do you show empathy to yourself and others? Let me know in the comments below!
This is an excellent article. I like the way you said “What about when those rose-tinted glasses become opaque?”
I have a project sharing true inspiring stories. I do try and focus on the positive aspects of life but many stories are full of heartbreak. Like you say – these feelings need to be acknowledged, heard and processed. … if we don’t, they stay with us in other ways and the positivity becomes a mask.
Thank you for sharing a balanced and important viewpoint
Thank you so much, Karletta! You have to work through the bad to get to the good.
This is so true! Toxic positivity, no matter how well intentioned, makes us less empathetic. I think most people don’t know what to say when others open up to them so they resort to positivity. Posts like this are super helpful because they give those people tools to practice empathy – thank you so much for sharing!!
Maria Black (https://mysoulbalm.blog)
Thanks so much for your comment, Maria! I think toxic positivity is well-intentioned in almost every situation, so it’s extra important for us to analyze our behavior and make sure our well-meaning words aren’t causing more harm.
This is a fascinating post. I really enjoyed reading it, and I agree. It is essential to have an emotional balance and to stop trying to be positive all the time. I did not know there was a term for over-optimism!
Thank you, Edda! I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I hadn’t heard of toxic positivity for a long time either, but once I did it made so much sense. It’s a very real problem.
This is such an important post. I really love your chart with more empathetic response alternatives. I also 100% agree with this: “It’s better to learn to recognize your negative thoughts so you can work through and learn from them.” If we try to ignore our negative thoughts they will just manifest in unhealthy ways later in life. Better to sit with them and learn all that they can teach us. Thanks for sharing this!
Thank you so much, Sam! You’re so right. Suppressing your negative emotions will definitely come back to bite you in the long term!
This is so true. Optimism is great but it can me too much.
Thank you so much for your comment, Hannah! You’re so right. We need to make sure we’re being honest rather than toxically optimistic.
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